Here we go again folks, its the first day of school tomorrow. I escaped thankfully cuz the school pushed back the first day of school from the 13th to the 22nd last minute due to enrollment issues. But i couldnt escape forever, sad days. But thats okay, i have been obsessing over guys WAY too much this past summer vacation. I think that I need school again to focus on something new. I am a little nervous about this semester cuz now I am in my 3rd year. 1st year of dental proper, i cant believe that I actually made it here now. It felt so far away and now I got white scrubs and a nameplate. Still have to wear the male uniform which sucks but scrubs are pretty unisex depending on your body fr and i have been getting SUPER curvy now, which thank god. I got a huge weight set and im currently lifting 36kgs on my own. The resistance bands were working super well but I think that I just had to level up my equipment while mom was here for the summer. The rest of the family couldnt come over which sucks. What sucks even more was that I wanted to actually go over there to the US. But maybe thats for the best.
V and Nando had a falling out with me over Camerons stupid ig story post. He posted a jk rowling post about how trans kids dont exist and me and wy got heated over it and confronted v about it. And then she twisted her bfs words to avoid taking responsibility and that confirmed that we couldnt be friends with her anymore. Nando then caught wind of the argument and then told me that he agreed with V and Cam about theyre twisted argument and i really really tried to explain how its wrong cuz i could feel he was genuinely trying to understand but it just wasnt enough and after I said my case he ghosted. Still watches, interacts with my stories and stuff, but not a single chat since that day. Even from V. Cam has already blocked me and wyatt recently too so I have no clue what hes feeling and to be honest I really dont care. I knew I shouldve just tried harder to keep that loser away from V, but this whole thing just made me feel like she always harbored these types of views, she was just waiting for somebody to enable her. I miss talking to Nando the most tho. I think towards the end of things he was already trying to distance himself after this blunder he had where he added me to a group chat with one of his homeboys named Brandon. V said hes homophobic and transphobic so I guess its also kinda odd. Im only realizing now how weird our whole dynamic was to begin with. I just wished we couldve stayed friends. Now when I go on socials I see all the stuff that I wouldve totally sent him but now I cant, and he would actually check up on me, even more so and consistently than wyatt. I dont know what his true intentions were or if Ill even get to know them. But I am trying to get through the grieving process still. I recently unhid his notes from my insta and now im getting delusional again that what he says now is somehow about me. I gotta chill tf out. I just keep trying to remember that if he really wanted to he would.
In other news, I have been trying to focus on Gino more since what happend in April. I still cant believe he has the guts to talk to me still or even consider making plans. He quit his one job and still hasnt gotten a new one yet even though its been a couple of months now. I dont know what his intensions are with that, hes gotten multiple opportunities to score something, but in the end he just either doesnt get it or just ends up rejecting offers. Which is understandable, work for what youre worth, but if you need a job you cant be picky. Hes also been talking with other people and I am sure fucking around with other people. I wish that I did not have HIV so i could love freely. I hope this cure or whatever comes sooner rather than later. I am so tired of living in the shadow of my mistakes. I have been thinking about going out to see Gino and he still seems enthusiastic about it which is great but I want to not pay for everything. I just want a man, and not some loser wanting to get laid. Idk, hes making memories and I feel like a total bum not going on any dates. But I think going back to school will help with this. I just need to focus on something grander than stupid love drama.
Men come and go, Liam, Muratcan, Abe, Atlas, Luis are the guys that pop in from time to time. I think it sucks cuz now guys only want the instagram and then never message again. It makes me think that they only want my pics to jack off too. Its whatever. But ugh just disappointing. I think thats all i have felt this summer is just extreme disappointment.
In other news, my mom has not quite accepted my trans self but now she is getting things for me like girl perfume, clothes and accessories. I think since my big glow up this summer after working out, my feminine features have really stood out to her. Even to myself, I looked back at my old photos and I have changed already so much. Fernando liked my before and after pic on my insta story. I hope it just means hes still cheering on for me on the side. God I hate how obsessed I am with him. I know people say u know u fall in love when you cant explain why u love somebody and I feel like that is exactly what it is. It scares me so much cuz what do u mean i fell in love with him and I cant have him, like hes behind a glass case that I can only admire. I write stupid poems about him and art, like why does he inspire me so much. He has muscles, isnt a yes man, says whats on his mind all the time. Isnt some crazy virtue signaller or whatever just to get at me. Hes just authentically himself and he sees me. At least it feels like it. Gosh, i cant separate friendship and romance for shit. I want to get better at that.
Wyatt trys to comfort me now, but hes in his own world. He understands me, but isnt strong willed like Nando. Nando is so sure of who he is. even when he might not be. I need to stop with the nando talk ugh. But anyways wyatt has been great, i have been able to talk with him about all sorts of guy stuff now since hes started actually dating and having sex now. I wish we could hang out for real. I miss him, hes been my only friend from the US now. sure theres mitsy and illiana but wy is the only one who is a best friend for real. it makes me sad. But happy that I have a diamond in the rough. one is all i need if its him making sure he takes care of me. I think thats been really great tho, we can be real friend, like even make sexual jokes to each other without either of us catching feelings. It just feels genuine and nice and no pressure. Like all the comfort and concern from a boyfriend but without the extra romance stuff, the love that he sees me for me and can appreciate and check in on me and stuff. I appreciate that part the most. Especially when all these other guys just wanna fuck, its nice to have a guy friend that genuinely respects me a girl and treats me right as a friend. in some ways much better than nando ever could.
I hope this year goes smoothly. I dont wanna have to deal with drama anymore. I just wanna work and go home. I hope the profs are nice. The grading system now is harsher than ever to prep us for being doctors now. One shot one kill type of grading. If we dont get it in the first meeting, we lose points off assignments and potentially fail super fast. I think I got this. Just reading the instructions for tomorrows activity looks simple enough. I just gotta keep my head held high. And look on the bright side! no more PE, no more stupid filipino class, and no more sir deg! I can do this I can make this happen.
I love you me! Good luck with the new school year! :3
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Status: I am not ready for this semster
