Status: Holy fuck, why is my love life so unnecessarily complicated right now.
2/27/2026
Okay holy fuck i have been neglecting this shit for so long now. Well a ton of shit happened. So first, we won the cheer competition at school, but today at the awarding the dentistry department only came in 2nd place over all. I have been literally so dysmorphic about my nose rn. I met this guy on tinder named Mikey, he totally led me on which sucked. I totally thought that we couldve been something.. I wish he worked out cuz he looked so badass and he spoke really good english and was educated. But he said hed be too busy to continue anything but hed updated his tinder the other day so ik he just moved on from me and got the ego boost that he needed. Fuck. I hate that he used me. I mean I lowkey kinda did too, I told myself i wouldnt fall for the love bombing, but I guess i still did a little bit. At least my brain now sees it as a hardcore turn off tho. So i guess growth? Like i dont accept words anymore I want flowers lol. Oh and then John from tiktok sends me a vid saying hed basically be a sugar daddy. Idk im tempted but idk where this italian man is getting his money, for all ik hes a mafia leader or something. But getting anyting I want using him would be nice, and its not like hes ugly, hes daddy af and huge but hes one of those cheating types im sure he has that energy.
Ugh i hate my luck with guys so far. Its match, call me hot, lovebomb, find im trans and then spend the next week deciding if they wanna risk it for the biscuit. Its so stupid. I can never get a decent connection, but i am also just rapid swiping now, fuck it. Not like it would hurt. The guys do it all the time. Sorry Zack, ik that i said i wouldnt give up on love, but I think i have now..
Idk.. Nando has kept my head level about it all. So i appreciate the bro for that.
V has been weird and I ranted to wyatt about her. She feels angry. Like sometimes the jokes she makes in chat towards me isnt so funny. Like yes we get it im priviledged to have so much help with school but she has everything else that i want. And she wants to complain about her weight which i get but damn sis. It feels like everytime we try to come in with the support she doesnt actually want to improve and wants to complain. I hope she can get a hold of it.
Ugh omg while writing this i totally forgot all the backup guys i have. Ill just text Ege, he never fails, Ill see what the sitch is with him tonight.
2/16/2026
No school today. Just the Filipino exam. Finally got the motivation to leave the freaking house. I think I am gonna finish laundry and my biochem assignments tomorrow. I am tired after today, but it was refreshing. Tomorrow is chinese new year which i hope will be fun.
Abe texted me a few skateboard videos, he was so coolll. I wish i was there to physically watch him practice and cheer him on. But i hope he doesnt hurt himself doing it lol. I also met a filipino gym bro, named Ven on tinder, and hes so fucking hot, but he literally straight up asked for nudes which was lame af. No buildup which was a turn off. Makes me just wanna be with Abe rn.
Went shopping today, finally got some highlighter i thought would look cute, then I got gel for my hair, the mousse is just not cutting it when it comes to holding my waves, i end up having to just brush my hair by mid day and after my helmet. Hope this will help me have more consistent hair days. Trying a new brand so well see how it goes. Also got a cleansing balm to help with makeup instead of just doing double cleanse with 2 hard cleansers. Hope thisll help get my lash glue off more consistently too. That shit works way too well its a pain to get off. Make up ate today, but the heat today was not playing around. Thankfully though it lasted well into the evening at the mall.
Nothing much to report. Not ready for all the practice we have to do for all these programs for sportsfest. Theyre making practice last until 6pm now, which wtf. I am so not ready for that. I hope this week just goes by fast, i perform and get my free grades and coast the rest of this semester lmao.
2/14/2026
The day of love and Im actually in a pretty hateful mood right now. I think this entire day has made me feel that much more strongly about staying single and rejecting any feelings I have for any men right now. The reason for the good day yesterday was definitely because it was not Friday the 13th in the US just yet lmao, that shit only hit me when today hit. ALso my blood is fucking BOILING that my uncle is here ONCE again. Im. so. fucking. tired. of. being. treated. like. a little. kid. I am going to be 27 years old. I cant be doing this shit. I want to walk around the house naked without some fucking old man potentially seeing me. I just want the entire outside world to go away when I am at home. I cant handle anybody else being in my home that is not a lover. I hate how after everything that happen i am will probably forever be treated as some fucking locked up prisoner. Dental degree?? Id be lucky if I gain back any autonomy when I get this shit.
Everybody at school totally ignored me today which I would usually say is great, but there was a different air. It wasnt like, "oh hey erika, you just so happen to be here, lets respectfully add ur energy to the group and act completely normal like how we should already be", it felt like "erika? whos that? oh, her." It felt isolating. I dont want to be alone, I just want to be present and people act normal. I can never get a balance here. Today is one of those days that I wish I was back in the US. but fuck what would I even do there. Wyatt has his stupid tgirl hoes that apparently show him everything and he goes nuts for, and then Nando asks Makayla out which is like totally fine or whatever, but hed be busy with her and Id feel gross being there when hes got her. Idk its not like either see me as a girl anyway so its not like I should even feel awkward or weird about something like that in the first place, but idk. I just cant put my finger on this feeling. I think I do, but maybe my brain doesnt want to admit it so it has a chance to find a way to escape it.
All my friends got flowers. Angel got a bouquet, so did Fumi. Misye and Angel mae are on dates, and even that dork Lev has his ldr bf. And I'm sitting here waiting for a text from a "busy" business owner, getting hit up by my ex's bummy-ass best friend, and swiping around tinder for some hint of validation. Ik i dont even like Rohan like that either, but dammit. He was so happy when he held Lea at cheer during practice.. He had the audacity to tap my shoulder after practice too. Not that it means much but it was a similar shoulder tap and rub combo to my Contemporary World professor. I dont care, my heart just wants to be picked. But i know that not of these men in my life are going to make me happy. I dont want a boyfriend. I hate that these men are just nice cuz theyve seen my body and dont know how to deal with their emotions towards me. I dont want any of it. I just wish they acted normal. Ugh idk if I made sense this paragraph. Bottom line is men suck rn, I dont want em, but my stupid fucking brain keeps trying to push that shit on me and i am trying so hard to resist and just focus on myself.
But then I remember, majority of the greatest women ik are single. Prof Mercado, Doc Wong, and even Prof Jalova. Ik that all these older women say that men arent worth it and they found out too late and only reached the peaks in their careers cuz they found meaning in focusing on themselves. But I cant help but just keep thinking about a wedding dress. The gang talked about it early while waiting for cheer practice. I saw the most beautiful one in the newspaper today. The veil was gorgeous, and the lace too.. I cant help but dream someday that maybe I will be able to wear that. But chances are, I probably never am. I dont have big tits, and every guy that says that he doesnt care actually does. And yes my ass is growing, but when I look in the mirror, i just give teenager. Im so under developed compared to everyone. And Ik i should give myself grace, my 6 month anniversary is tomorrow, but fuck.. I wish it happened faster. I want this more than any other tgirl out there. Idk what higher power is out there, but havent I suffered enough? For all the pain ive had to endure, can I get just this one blessing to be the woman i know and want to be? Please dont let me be underdeveloped forever, let me have something, anything to make the world see me for who I am. Im so tired of being ugly, I got Sir'ed at the 7/11 today too. UGH, why cant I just die already. Quick, painless and quiet and away from anybody who would disrepect me at my funeral. But fuck now that I think about that, i cant even die in peace cuz id get misgendered, misnamed, and treated like a man at my own funeral. Fuck this life, istg when I reincarnate, Im going to be something thats pretty and kills people to get vengance on the world lol. Or maybe if its heaven, ill plot to take god/s from the inside haha. Fuck lol..
I need a smoke or a drink. I forgot to order somthing on the way home. dammit. I tried singing karaoke before writing and it just doesnt hit without the alcohol to give me courage. whatever, Ill do it tomorrow. Theres no PE on monday so we have no need to go onsite. But it fucking sucks cuz the school is allowing us to dress civilian to show our relationship status on that day. I hate missing out on these types of days. but fuck going to school, Ill flex elsewhere. God I want to get hotter, I want to show up everybody I meet. I want to look down on Sarah and her stupid friends. I already do, but I dont want them to cower, I need their confidence crushed and show them all a lesson. Lol fucking stupid. But yeah. God i hate this school.
2/13/2026
Hell fucking yeah, finished my workout and im feeling good as helllll. My ass looked so good in my insta story pics today too holy fucking shit. Fuck valentines, but this (wait just realized its also friday the 13th, which is ironic cuz ive been pretty lucky today) workout saved my mood this evening. Fuck i feel hot rn. Need some dick lmao.
Ohh but also christian messaged meeee. HAHAH he said hed fuck the shit outta me when i showed him my ass just now. FUCK i wish he didnt live so far away, could really use that rn to handle all the stress from this week. Tomorrow is the last day of exams and I hope to finish strong but fucking hell it starts at 7am with biochem. Stupid class officers cant even bother asking to move the time. But whatever, I just hope my makeup turns out good for that lady. I hate these old women. Oh so this morning, I totally passed that exam for General Anatomy lecture, it was so easy. I hope its enough to make up for the terrible lab score I probs have. OH and Sir Mike totally gave us a free A+ for Biochem Lab HAHAHAH that shit was easy too. I hope that we can manage to do the same thing for midterms.
Speaking of midterms, I hope that there isnt much pressure to do much. I dont want to have to deal with a bunch of info for the next exam week especially with sportsfest around the corner.
I am not ready for any of these exams tomorrow tho. None of them are considering online which is pissing me tf off. Guess Ill go to bed now so that I can get ready for it tomorrow.
2/11/2026
New resolve unlocked. I think today was the day i finally decided to hit this workout/diet hard af. I hit the whole routine I saved and then ate hella protein. Tired but feeling that workout high. I think its all the girl workout posts that nando sends thats changed my resolve. I came up with a goal to get two more inches on hips and glutes which I hope is possible with the new fat redistribution adding to my 2nd puberty, compounded by my diet. Everything is in a prime window for progress and I gotta take advantage of it fully or else I may not get another biological charged burst to see this type of growth.
In other news, i fucking failed Doc Wongs oral histology exam HARD. I only read the powerpoints, but everything was on the reviewer that was leaked from the upper classmen. Like fuck dude. I probably gonna use a weekend to start converting everything to flashcards. Then General Anatomy lab was okay, i passed with a 67%. Fuck these lousy ass subjects bro, I just want to be a clinician already. But whatever, I am so pissed off at how much there is to memorize. At least I passed that. BUT totally lucked out with Contemporary World. That nerdy teacher didnt stand a chance with the cheer squad asking him to move the time of the exam AND make it a take-home online one at that HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. He folded so fast and even tried to pretend that he had to give it some thought HAHAHA. Hes a cute little nerdy economist major guy or whatever, i wouldnt mind going out with him to see what he was all about. But yeah passed that one too with a 46/50 so thats the only real redeemer here.
No news from Abe really, just about his insuracne with his car. He wished me luck on exams after I told him about it though. No news from Ivan either all day, im getting kinda bored of him either way. I hope he is too so the whole no strings attached thing stays the way it is.
In other news, I have also been hitting the PSP games HARD. I fucking crushed it on FF-blood type 0 and killed that stupid golem in the Togareth mission. Like fuck dude, i never was able to, and i was down to my last 3 shitty units too HAHAHAH. Scored the ability to summon shiva so worth. Then I am trying armored core 3, which has been 50/50. The controls are soooo jank, but the graphics and gameplay when its good is GOOD. But yeah trying to convert some translated games from chd to iso which has been a pain, but will be worth when I finally manage to. Otherwise I am thinking i just gotta find another site to download them already in ISO. which i might just do to save myself the hassle lol.
No exams scheduled for tomorrow, i might just hit up that new cafe next to the LCUP. Not sure how itll be going in to rival school territory tho lol. And by myself at that lol. But maybe itll be refreshing.
2/10/2026
Ugh uneventful af. Exams got cancelled today cuz the test papers for the department were not printed on time so basically the entire exam week sched got pushed back a day. Which sucked cuz I ended up going in either way and rushed. Cant blame myself but at the same time, big waste of time when I could have easily stayed home and slept in, but whatever.
Cheer wants us to bring in a cardboard box AND a crate for soft drinks supposedly for putting our props in?? Like what the fuck, i thought we was just gonna be twirling the fans and pompoms?? Like FUCK i literally have NEITHER. FML. And we gotta bring em in on saturday. I want to just ask a boy in the class to bring one for me so I dont have to think about it, but i dont wanna owe anybody anything for that. Like why couldnt this shit be more chill and WHAT is props department making to where we have to bring TWO types of BOXES???
Anyways, I think im dropping the playlist tonight. Im starting to get feelings for that stupid dork again out of nowhere and I need to stop it immediately. I used Ivan to try and distract me but he was kinda boring after a while. Still a little chubby cutie tho. Abe was also dry today, ill let him come to me. I was thinking about texting him more but hes probs busy again with the business. Which leaves my mind to wonder on that fucking idiot again. Ugh.
I hope tomorrow goes well, I am not in the mood to deal with a rigged exam. I also just want to brain rot already lol.
2/8/2026
Fucking hell dude, why is there PE tomorrow when its literally exam week. If that shit wasnt there I would have an extra day to chill at home and chill lol. Ill def bring a change of clothes so that I can hit up the cafe after. I am so over the stupid schedules at this school. I wish somebody would use their brain or that these stupid officers would actually say something to the professors, cuz like wtf.
In other news, Ivan has proved to be a fucking nice tool. I just ask him to roleplay any asmr scenario I want and he dont that shit HAHAHAH, fucking godsend for a single girl. Its not like I am going anywhere with this either so loving the no strings attached thing we got rn. Ege also messaged me right after my workout which thank GOD cuz my ass was looking good after a fresh pump. I tried that one routine I found, and its actually really fun, i enjoyed it. I think ill add it to a rotation so that I dont get bored of any particular routine. But Ege's body was looking fireeeee. I dont go for leaner guys but hes def the exception with all those tattoos. Abe was a lameo today, he like responded to one meme and I figured he was busy so I left him alone today. Thank god we got backups otherwise i would be going crazy waiting for his response.
V texted today too! Thank god i havent heard from a sister in a hot minute, she sent some heat but was dry otherwise tho. Idk Im still happy either way. Shes just a busy women with a man and school so I cant blame her too much. Nando was annoying, but he gave me more workout nutrition adivce which I appreciated and will be implementing from now on.
I hope that Ms. Aguilar really cancels PE cuz fuck i wanna just go to my scheduled spa appointment in peaceeee. Like please bro. My laser treatments are working hella good now. the tough spots that I wasnt seeing progress in before are now fading and im so fucking hype. I gotta keep at it and hope that nothing happens tomorrow where I gotta miss my appointment tomorrow.
Tried reviewing some for exams but nothing really stuck. Fuck, how am I gonna balance all this lmao. Lets see how this grading period is going to go. I might just have to haul ass for midterms and finals, but hope that the incentives and bonus points im getting from cheer carry from those.
I ended up just playing a lot of PSP. Grinded on all my Final Fantasy games, just to have something to do and keep busy. Also am trying to get into gran turismo, wipeout pure and other racers just so i have something easy to play while i listen to lectures.
Tomorrow I may have to go into overdrive for Oral Histology, that shit doesnt seem hard on the surface but I could definitely see myself struggling a little if it comes down to specifics.
2/7/2026
Okay what the actual FUCK. SO ivan actually texts me, and he admits EVERYYYYTHING like when I was with Al that he wanted to bang me, and much more. And it was crazy cuz it literally felt straight out of one of my fave asmr porn scenarios which was hot in its own way. He is seperated from his wife though which made me very weird about the situation. But fuckk so much ammunition. I literally got my revenge on Al from this. AND that stupid Fae too. Ik that bitch was crazy. But i am also worried cuz this also lowkey makes me a bit of a homie hopper I think?? I am NOT taking this loser seriously either HAHAHAH the dork thinks he actually has a chance. NGL he talked me through it and does asmr phone sex VERYYY well, but hes just for fun. I hope he realizes that too. But DAMN he talked to me in ways today that I did NOT think in a million years he would do. Fuck it tho. More lore for me.
Was supposed to go to cheer practice, but ik that these bitches are gonna change that ish next saturday so I dont wanna hear it. I skipped that shit and just rested and reviewed some lectures.
Oh Abe called today, we talked about my PSP and my music and had a super nice conversation with him. I am not sure how things are gonna work out with him now but im okay where we are at. I think my conversations with Ivan have fulfilled my sex need for a little bit and my confidence again to hold me off from going crazy about Abe or any of my other crushes. Like a recharge almost. I feel really in control and in power.
Theres a ton of assignments that I have to do for tomorrow so I will probably focus on the Filipino subject ones tomorrow. Its so annoying tbh. But at least the deadlines feel reasonable. I am trying to regulate my stress and I think I am doing a good job so far. I am hitting the exercise a bit harder. I found a few routines im gonna try throughout this week. I am in the mindset like its a necessity to exercise my ass, as much as i take my HIV meds and my HRT. Were locking in bebs
2/6/2026
2/1/2026
Ughhh fuck dude, February.. And of course at the start of it, Abe is immediately MIA. Idk why he hasnt messaged or responded to yesterdays messages but whatever. I kinda care but also dont cuz if he does ditch me it was bound to happen. No man would wait an entire year for a woman lol. Anyways. I got sooo much done around the house today!! I reorganized my closet so its nice and neat and functional now. Sorry Marie Kondo, idk if ur method works for a rising dental student lol. So now whenever I get my laundry back from the cleaners itll just be my folded stuff that I just stuff into their cubbies instead of hanging them. I was totally demotivated having to hang up laundry but now that its folded I think itll be okay. My packages should arrive tomorrow so ill be able to reduce the amount of laundry I have to take to the cleaners hopefully. Ill probs just take bigger heavier clothes like jackets instead of trying to do those myself.
Fuck also I found this new song called Maru-Maru-chan by Aimyon. Dude the lyrics are so fucking me lol i hated it. I wanted to cry listening to it. It made me think when tf am I actually going to be chosen, if ever. Would I be okay just being a lonely girl for the rest of my life? Then the Epstein files dropped and now im just disgusted by men all over again and I think, why tf am I so obsessed with having a man. I just want somebody I can hold and cuddle already, and have them learn everything about me and care about me..
I am not excited for Valentines either. Last year, I had Taylor, he doesnt message anymore, but I sometimes wonder how hes doing. But this is the first time Im raw doggin this shit solo, no friends really, no hookups, no dates setup. Its really just gonna be me and the stupid gooner shit Nando sends lol. Oh and its on exam week too, guess its an excuse for me to lock in finally. I drew a pic today from how moved I was by that song earlier. It was me sleeping on somebody's shoulder under the tree in the school courtyard. I guess I wont have a college sweetheart either. But a girl can fantasize cant she?
Fuck i wanna workout so bad rn, but its a rest day. ill pick it up tomorrow. Its PE tomorrow and I hope I dont have to be anywhere towards the front when we have to dance to that stupid Golden song. I just wanna get my mind outta my feels right now.
Dammit i also got that garth brooks album in my head. Somewhere other than the Night is also putting me in my feels right now. Country really does choose you ig. I wish some man would listen to this song and think about me.
Oh some guy from bumble shared his album with me. I didnt give it a listen all the way thru yet cuz its on spotify, but his voice is clear and its kinda good. Maybe Ill entertain him a little bit. Ugh today really is one of those days that I cant help but obsess over guys. I hate this. Just SOMEBODY fucking stay. ugh and now i sound gross and desperate.
Last night, Ivan of all people added me to his close friends out of NO WHERE. and he posted HELLAAA gonner shit and cat girls like the cosplay i did the other day. Like same hair, length and color. I asked Nando about it, and he said its probably nothing, but my gut says otherwise. I talked to the guy twice, and then he does this?? And hes MARRIED?? like fucking hell dude. Guess I could get back at stupid Fae for being a bitch to me by taking her man rn, but im not that type of girl. Guess there must be trouble in paradise with those two or something.
Oh and of course when I tell Angel and Misye they dont message or ask me if im okay or anything. Ig its not that big of a deal, but it would be nice if they just said something in at least aknowledgement. Ig i got my answer with that group, I got no business sharing that type of stuff. But FUCKKKKKK that just makes me even more lonely. I hate this, why does nobody fucking care about what I have to say?? Nobody fucking cares at all.
Weird too how all this happens after Alastor adds me. Like you're weird for that. Hes might be showing Ivan and Fred my account and theyre all gooning to my posts, those fucking perverts. But good, hope they see how much I glowed up and how each of them shouldve been nicer to me when they all had the chance.
I needa really lock in on my diet and workouts. I havent lost weight but I still feel like it so i gotta lock in and double time this shit. If Nando says 185lbs is the goal then I think I can make it. I look okay now, average girl vibes, but now I gotta work towards actual baddie status so no mater what clothes people force me to wear I will always look good. I wanna keep showing everybody up. Even if I become more intimidating, I wanna lock in for myself and crush everybody in my way. Lea and Blessy and every bitchy pretty girl will get theirs when I show them all up. Just watch me.
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Status: Holy fuck, why is my love life so unnecessarily complicated right now.
