The Smokey Eye

I think therefore I am

January 2026


Status: Its rough out here folks

1/31/2025

Yayy finally got my maps set up in the room!! Fucking finally! I wanna start getting flowers now and stuff too so I can get to decorating the windows and then some cute tapestries cloths like I saw on tiktok haha. Biochem was so fun, the prof was so funny today haha. I love her sense of humor. Ill have to rewatch her lecture though about lipids cuz that was a little hard to follow, but I think Ill be able to get it down just in time for the next meeting. Sucks that its going to be face to face. I hate waking up for a 7AM class. But it feels like such a weight off my shoulders to get this project finally done! I wanna hang up my diplomas and awards soon too. Tito Carlito the electrician is still parking his car here. I wonder what the whole story on that is. But I would rather not pry, its not like it concerns me anyway or are they bothering me. So long as I dont gotta talk to folks im okay. Trying to decide if I want to go into manila tomorrow. Idk what I would do so I think it would end up being a big spending day and I gotta keep money aside for my laser this month so i dont think I wanna do that really. I just bought a portable washing machine for the sink so i can wash my panties, bra and uniforms at least. I leave the bulky stuff for my laundry lady. I want to reduce the amount of times I have to go out as much as possible until i can just go out with light make up or no foundation and still pass. Getting all dolled up just to be respected enough to go down the street is exhausting especially on days like today where I should be relaxing after class. Speaking of, after finally reorganizing the room i totally forgot I had my giant kirby and snorlax plushies!! Now they're my watch party buddies in the evening while I watch Baki and the Summer that Hikaru Died. Which btw is picking up finally and im invested. I want to go back to the arcade to see if there is any new giant plushies available but I think i gotta figure out my space situation first. But OH that reminded me to reorganize my closet. Gotta do it before the week gets all busy again. I got bloodwork this Tuesday that I am not looking forward to. I hope I can make that appointment and then get to class on time after. I really hate how inconvenient my schedule usually is for this sort of thing.. I still wish i didnt have this disease at all, but oh well wtf am i gonna do by just crying about it lol. Abe was funny this morning, he made a Finding Nemo reference and it put me in the mood to watch it while waiting for NSTP class which never ended up happening cuz Prof cancelled lol. Thank god, i hate that class. Got a ton of AAA and AA batteries just now so I am hoping to maybe start a Tamagotchi sometime. Im thinking the ID or IDL still not sure. I just love my tamagotchis, the shells look like pretty candy haha. I wish I could get a Tamagotchi Paradise or Uni. I shouldve let Alastor steal on for me when we were still together. Valentines is coming up and Im trying to figure out what I’m gonna do. Ik Abe and I are just friends technically still, but it would be nice to call him and tell him how much i like him. I also want to say something appreciative to Nando, but I dont want things to be weird or taken the wrong way after everything thats happened last month. He really has been my number one hero these last 3-4ish months. His stupid stuff he sends always cheers me up somehow when im alone in the house and/or sad or when school is so stressful i cant bear it. And when everybody in my life and my supposed friends don't have time for me or don't want me around, hes there to talk and listen to me and send a song that helps my mood. But how do I say that without being weird. Ill figure it out somehow, maybe. OH this just came into my head tho. Jerze accepted my follow request after AGES. But i noticed all the guys in the class like her photos. And the same thing kinda happens with other girls in my class. Ik I shouldnt worry about that, but my old guy friends and school guy friends used to like my posts without much thought behind it, but now its just V, Wyatt and Melissa that really like my stuff. Maybe my stuff doesnt show up on their feeds is all, but damn I didn’t think i changed that much. Im still me, just a little more feminine. I still like video games, camping and sports. Idk why everyone has to get weird on me. Is showing a little emotion towards me that much harder to do now?

1/30/2025

Super average day at school. There was no quiz like Doc B previously said. i TOLD the gang that there wouldnt be one, but again let everyone else stress about all that. Gio needs to listen to us about Icy, she was late trying to get an excuse letter from Icy when agian since the beginning of time that shit can be emailed. Shes just a user and Gio wont listen to us. Whatever let her get burned. Idk everyone in the Philippines is actually so stupid about that girl. Shes the prime example of why Filipinos will always choose stupid politicians. But either way, really good coffee today and musubi. Make up was IMMACULATE and hair was on POINT for DAY 2 hair!!! Like WHAT i just brushed and it COOPERATED so easily. I saw a spider in my room and I have to thank it for my luck today. Cuz THEN ABE finally called!! Omg i missed talking to him on the phone so much. He unfortunately was in a car accident, he got rear ended by some jerk on the road and now hes going thru it. He called buzzed/drunk which sucks.. I wish he was sober but at least he called me?? And then also he was super chill about it?? I think it was the alcohol talking tbh. I hope he does okay trying to deal with the rest of the move during all of this.. I wish i could be helping him. Give him a big hug and a kiss and tell him it'll be okay. Thank god my hair was kinda presentable for vid call. I took a bunch of screenshots cuz idk when the next chance would be. I have more to say but im writing later than usual and so im pretty sleepy. But i did want to rant about other things.

1/29/2025

This is gonna have to be a quick entry since I am have to review hella for general anatomy tomorrow lol. I am so not ready for it at all. And omfg my keyboard is having major latency issues rn. I gotta fix it somehow. Anyways, D-Days was today and the part 2 of the school festival was lame as fuck. First of all, i skipped oral histology lab today cuz I didnt feel like going in at 7 AM when it was supposed to be our day of relaxation. That makes like ZERO sense to me. All they did was draw anyway so like i am realizing i can get away with doing way less for this professor. The game i signed the gang up for was also lame. The stupid Guess That game was rigged when all the friends of the organizers joined in. It was supposed to be a shoe in, but that clearly was not the case. The other teams definitely knew some intel before the game started which felt ass when we were on stage getting our asses handed to us. We only made it to 3rd place cuz we knew all the questions for the clinical/school based questions lol. Its okay tho, i dont really care about it so long as I got out of the house i guess. But I have got to stop signing us up for shit like this. Even if it was kinda to get back at the girls for signing me up for cheer. I shouldve gotten dressed up and spent the day at a cafe instead. Oh well. Abe was busy packing again today, he says that he might have to delay his move again, which would suck if he had to. I want to call him again and have a real convo with him again instead of these lame ass dry texts. He may have just found somebody else, but I wanna have hope my gut is wrong. Which it probs isnt but let a girl be delusional for a little longer. OH Nikki minaj is HELLA MAGA now?? wtf girl. Now i gotta take ur pic off my website Hair and makeup was on POINT today so no dysmorphia crashouts here, but yeah today was a pretty okay day. Okay now i gotta focus on studying.

1/28/2025

Okay so my thighs are clean shaved, my arms are epilated and my BANGS are CUT. Holy fuck im feeling powerful and in control again. Although i had kind of a bad hair and make up day. It was windy as hell and then hot as fuck too so my makeup was not up to my standards. Like ugh the make up thing was probably the worst part of the day. My stubble was NOT shaving down, i need to change the blade tomorrow for sure. And then the hair is in extra dark mode too cuz of the laser so my color corrector wasnt doing jack on it. Unfortunately I gotta ride it out and trust that my hips and growing boobs carry me to passability. Which it wasnt too bad at the USC festival today. Speaking of the festival, it was soooo fun. Cheer practice wasn't terrible, I just was upset at my hair and makeup more than anything. I need to buy more gel, a big one at that time, cuz all my waves smoothed out cuz I was brushing my hair so much to fix it from the wind today which pissed me off. There was this one guy from cheer who was sooo cute. He was super chubby but the type I like where hes def got muscle underneath the fluff. But it turns out he was a fucking freshman UGH. Seriously what the fuck are they putting in the food these days. He was a little off tho, i think hes a little transphobic or something cuz he always insisted in sitting a seat apart from me during practice when we both had to be in the same area which was weird. I heard in some asian cultures they do that to people they deam foreigners to give them space as a courtesy which may be the case but idk. At least lev was there to be a social buffer. That bozo. Ugh and hes also being weird af. Hes been obssessed with his bf. All the sudden we cant joke around and hes in a pissed mood all the time. I dont even want to talk to him anymore. These 19-20yr olds are fucking pissing me off, theyre like teenagers but worse somehow. But it pisses me off cuz he still tries to separate me from the girls in the group. Like sitting in between me and them. Granted im late a lot of the times or arrive later than everyone else so i guess its not too out of the ordinary but still. Its times like this I wish he went back to his loser friendship with Icy and just sat in the corner being freaks jerking each other off to their Love and Deep Space boyfriends. But actually it just reminds me that every one of my in person friendships here rn are so transactional it fucking sucks. I thought we were good, but ever since I have started glowing up Angel has been hardcore trying to block me outta her peripherals unless she HAS to include me it feels like. And Misye is just a libra so she just holds everyone together somehow. It also feels like when Misye talks to other friend groups Angel gets a hint of insecurity somehow and its weird like she thinks shes gonna lose her. Which maybe, if Misye senses it too. But fat chance with Filipinos to sense stuff like that. Funny enough, Gio is the only one who I can confortablly call a friend at all times. Shes so warm and funny and understanding. I hope she continues to be a good friend, but she also has Mheizy and her old friends from last semester she would rather be with. So I keep that in mind too. Like today she ditched us for Mheizy and her old gang but I wasnt upset about it. She can do her thing, shes gotta come back to class either way with us so its not like a big social threat. Angel Mae though has been afk af lately tho. Her section had reporting today for class, but she didnt stay long enough to hang out with us after?? That was weird, she probably doesnt mean to, but it sucks to see her grow distant too. Oh but the festival was bomb, I had these HUGE siomai, so good i shouldve got more for when I got home. Then I got burger king, cheese burgers AMERICAN style were such a way to go. But fuck i thought i got the double burger combo but they gave me a burger and a chicken sandwich, which is like fuck i dont hate it but i wouldve love to had another burger. Then I got a pinacolada slushie. Some girls thought it was alcohol until they thought hard about it, like no dummy why would the Catholic school sell their students booze during school hours lol. But it was peak. Then I got a coke float, but def shouldve just stuck with a regular ice cream instead of trying to match Angel and Misye. But oh well. OH speaking of makeup, TELL ME WHY, all of the sudden BLESSY comes in with hella eyeliner and EVERY bitch was wearing falsies?? After girls come after ME for “wearing too much make up”??? Like oh okay so its an issue on me and when I make it look good and put in the effort every single day, but when YOU bitches do it, its just a normal day, OH-kay. Hypocrits and copy cats istg. And Mom had the audacity to ask why i think people copy me at school. Like yall were ALL about the “clean girl” look until you hoes saw Ik how to play ball and now you wanna compete. As if. I still will look way better in those makeup styles cuz you cant copy my features, yall look like drag queens cuz those techniques and styles were meant for angular faces NOT for baby faced asian girls. But yall keep trying. Battle of the Bands though was so hotttt. Roger and Abraham played omfg. Roger was so cool singing and he was definitely the only stylish one on stage. Then Abraham was so hot on the guitar. I wish one of them would notice me and ask me out. But fat chance lol, diff departments and Roger DEF has a girlfriend or something. I just have to be happy with hookups, boyfriends and situationships for the rest of my life I think. Its never happening. But I can at least dream. FUck why am I actually so fucking ugly bro. I wish people would stop lying about how I look. OH last night Nando sent me SOOOO many good songs. I loved his first two he sent. I have em on repeat. He switched up the vibe on the rock one he sent the other month and now its like a smooth r and b track. UGH i wanted to strip to it so bad it was soooo smoothhh. Def a mood setter type of song. Abe has been busy with the move still. He sent me pics form Coronado today. I miss that little island. I hope I can visit there again one day with him. I wish i could leave this country behind and just live in the US again. But i am only saying that cuz im living like royalty rn. If i went back and started working, id end up miserable all over again. I wouldnt even have people to room with to get away from Dad. I just gotta keep riding the waves. My boobs have been tender all day and ive been nauseous, Im tracking it, I hope that it isnt anyting crazy. Maybe its part of my cycle. Well see.

1/27/2025

Just finished watching that Chainsaw Man movie. Recently the movies that have been coming into my life have been dangerously relatable. I also finished No Hard Feelings yesterday too, which also hit like a fucking truck. I hate that I am the type of girl that is actually way faker to men than i may or may not realize. I think thats why Ill forever appreciate Nando's assessment of me lol. I really am just a green tea bitch at the end of the day. I think seeing characters like Reze who only realize their true feelings when its too late cracked something in me. Idk, Maybe thats why I havent been able to make any relationship last. Maybe my luck with Al is some divine punishment for all the people whose feelings Ive hurt in the past. I wish I wasnt such a bully deep down. I also wish I break so many hearts that didnt deserve my fakeness towards them. And yet here I am, leading on guys like Glen and Yakup. What the fuck is wrong with me seriously... In other news, I had a good hair day. I decided if my hair is just gonna end up messy from my helmet riding my motorcycle, I might as well embrace it so Ive started to wear it in a banana clip. I do want to switch up my style from time to time, but I think this just saves me the most headache. I met with Maam Jalova at the Avery Day Coffee which was a pleasent suprise. I told her to do everything she could to be our prof next year hahah. I miss her a lot, she's always been so motherly to me and my friends. She was so suprised at how beautiful I've gotten HAHA. It really is a change since I met her as a freshman. Fuck, to think that much time has already passed tho. Next year Ill be taking on patients. Am I really going to be up for it? Maybe my looks can ease my troubles of trying to find my patients needed to pass. But who knows lol. I talked to Abe a bit more today. He's so busy with the move I guess.. He's almost done tho he says! I hope it comes sooner rather than later. Its been hard not being able to call him. I miss his voice. I miss teasing that him with my peekaboo panty shots and bra reveals HAHA. I also miss how homey he can feel. Nando was funny today, I think I can finally see him as a brother now. When I was getting sad and dysmorphic today I laughed at the videos he sent on Tiktok HAHAH. That idiot, I think I should make him something personally by hand when I go back for the holidays again. But idk what yet. Tomorrow and thurday, classes got cancelled for the USC and D-Days festivals at school. Although i have cheer practice in the morning tomorrow, the rest should be all about hanging out with the crew at the different booths. Just got messaged from the cheer groupchat, looks like we lost two memebers ugh. And abe finally decides to respond after being mia. Ugh I hope people arent leaving because of me.. Maybe not, but still I cant help but think like that. Why do I let my social anxiety do that. ugh. I wanna do a tarot reading on everything so far. I hope things are looking up. I miss talking to V too. Ik shes busy getting good grades and working hard, but I wish there was more time and opportunity to connect, like why am I becoming more of friends with your brother than the actual best friend?? I dont wanna get too close to wyatt either. I think I gotta keep my head on straight with him. But I am also kinda over him, i dont wanna chase i just think the feelings are too awkward for me still. I am so glad second semester is way more chill. I can actually journal, get pretty and focus a lot more on me. I wish like it could stay chill like this forever.

1/26/2025

Okay first thoughts first. IM BORED AF RN. BRITNEY SPEARS ACTUALLY SLAPS. and Terrible hair day at school. Okay so first, im bored af rn, everyone is so dry not just guys, like everyone rn. Like yes we have a shit ton of quizzes coming up, but still ugh. I need to unwind for christs sake, i cant do that when everybody is being lame. I wish going to college parties was as easy as going to as it is in the US. Im wishing I was back in the US again tho. UGH i wanna go on a date with Abe, i did a total rehaul of my phone wallpapers and lock screens using Mico and its so cute, but i dont have ANY cute pics of me and Abe together. Which sucks. I think hes trying to cut me off. Hes working hard according to the pics he sent today, and I get that he is busy, but still. Next I finally started playing the Britney Spears album I got from Angel View and it is actually golden, no wonder she was so huge in her prime! Idk why i always chocked her up to being overrated. Now it makes me feel extra sad how her career ended up playing out. Having such a dysmorphic day today. My hair was straight ASSSS. Flatter than my ass type bad. It makes me wanna take public transportation again so i dont get my hair smashed down everytime I need to get somewhere. I was looking through some of my photos too while I was editing my phone asthetics and omg I felt like a boy in a wig after 5 mins at looking at myself too hard. UGH ik the dolls say this feeling will never truly go away, but FUCK this shit is hard to deal with! I thought I was good embracing some of my more masculine features, but FUCK i looked at my pics everyone says are pretty and I feel like everyone says im just thinks im a pretty BOY not a pretty GIRL. I wish people didnt LIE to me SO FUCKING MUCH. I hate it. I just want some honesty. PE SUCKED too today. Cuz wtf, IK the dance like the back of my hand but i couldnt perform with everybody watching ugh. I just know people are gonna be recording tf outta me when it comes to our Sportsfest performance. It makes me wanna kill myself actually. Thankfully MalKom got cancelled so I only had Contemporary World as my last class and it was only 30mins. I thankfully found time to get my laser done. Thankfully THIS time, my girl upped the power on that thing. I felt that shit this time. I hope my results come in faster. I need this shit to get over with. I am also probs just gonna bring my spiro back up anyways. UGH no im gonna give it the month. I am having a dysmorphic day and I need to make that decision when im clearer headed. Tomorrow is gonna be annoying af. Not only do I gotta get up early, but I gotta actually gotta do these quizes. Wish me luck folks

1/25/2025

Great fucking hair day today, omg, sad that it probably wont repeat itself tomorrow. Today was dry as fuck. Nando was MIA, and Abe was talkative for a little bit in the morning and then just ghosted me too. Still nothing from either. I talked with Ms. Zara today about everything. This sesh was tough as hell. I told her about my daddy issues and how i think its been the number one cause for bleeding into my relationships and a lot of my problems. I thought that I would never be able to get over them and I dont think this session alone will get rid of em, but I think the words "I am enough" finally start to feel tangible and attainable to me. I really dont want a relationship. These days that my phone has been dry, i have been able to focus on myself so much more. Quiz material came easy and i felt more at peace with myself. I attempted to use "special" toys today, and that was great in itself. I hope that I continue this path, it feels like how strong and independent and in control i was before Alastor. I think I am ready to be that version of me again finally after all these years. Speaking of Al, Ivan liked my story out of nowhere which okay supportive?? But i never talked to him ever, and its only cuz i was in glasses and ressembled his wife which is also wild to me. Sorry fae, your mans moving weird. But am i gonna tell her? Fuck no, that weird bitch still owes me for ripping up that polaroid of all of us at the park and blaming it on her weird psycho made up issues. She can figure things out on her own. Fuck dude, why do men move so weird. They think theyre so sneaky with their feelings, and then stupid girls without the gift of discernment are like,"its just a like" or "hes just being friendly". Okay babes, if i had a dollar for every man who fed me those lines Id be a millionaire by now. Im trusting my gut through and through from now one, nobody is gaslighting me into what I "think" i saw. Tomorrow is back to school. I should probably get my head in the game. I hope theres no cheer practice so I can get my laser appointment over with as soon as possible. My makeup wouldve ate way more today if my stupid shadow didnt peak through after a few hours. I cant wait for this laser results to finally get drastic. I see bits but I need more done. I hope this 2-week regimen is enough to blast through the rest of the hair and call it good. Facial hair is so frustrating. I think I might also have to up my spiro intake as well. Idk why but Im trusting my gut in going back up to 200mg. The regrowth on my hair is a little suspicious. Or maybe Ill give it until my 6 month anniversary. Just to give it a fair shot. I gotta be mindul of shifting to fast. I hope this week goes by easily, all the quizzes planned are such a fucking drag. I am going to remember what Ms. Zara said and remember that I am stronger than these negative emotions. I will be able to get back into my old hobbies! I am strong!

1/24/2025

Today was pretty uneventful. Had biochem in the morning, this shit is gonna be tough as fuck again so I know I gotta just learn this shit the first time it's taught to me or else its OVER. Everybody else is freaking out about the dumb Malihkhaing komunikasyon assignment like it isnt just doing a paragraph for all of us. I hate when we pretend our work load is swampped but if we actually locked tf in, ts is so easy to take out and get back to our daily lives. Like we got hella quizes coming up but this should be easy if we've survived the ones so far. Again another day where Abe was kinda just bleh. No enthusiasm or anything. Sent a few memes to each other, I hope that he gets done with this move so that we can go back to talking to normal. And even if he found somebody else to talk to, i guess im at that point where its like ohkay what else is new. Nando is still just being nando. I think honestly his stupid gooner shit is helping me get used to him and like get the ick in a way that doesnt discourage me from being friends still. Also nvm abe is texting and so is Nando, wtf is with the universal timing of these two. Either way for a short time i let go of my frustrations with these two. Fuck i told Abe i make poems, and he rattles off poets, like fuck idk those people sorry HAHAHA i just write bullshit. Abe is still in the middle of his move he says. I want ot have dinner but idk what to eat and mom is not back yet from wherever she disappeared off to. The pizza rolls are calling out to me right now though. I got therapy with Ms. Zara tomorrow so I gotta decide what topics I want to touch up on. I am thinking about how I feel like I am slowly decentrilizing men. I also want to process how much men's views on me are. I tried to do my wavy hair routine and sleep with it uncrunched last night, and that shit FAILLLEDDD it was so bad when i woke up, i gotta just do that shit in the morning i guess if i want any semblance of texture. Mom also got me the hoodie that i saw at the mall yesterday, she was trying to find it in the men section lmao and completely forgot it was in the womens section lmao. Maybe shes stil getting used to me buying womens clothing and accessories. OH and speaking of accessories, mom got me these really cute necklacesss theyre literally sooo adorable. Ones a diamond stud pendant, then the others are little diamond heart keys!! Theyre so cute, i cant wait to wear em at school! I dont know what brand they are though. Ended up just making a marie calander's beef pot pie. At least mom knows my fav protien haha. Been years since ive had one of these tho its great.

1/23/2025

UGH What the FUCK dude?? I still cant listen to an audiobook or read a novel!! Everytime i give it a shot i get San Diego flashbacks. Everything starts coming back. I thought trauma was supposed to bring back the bad memories, but all it does is bring back the peace and my brain then tells reminds me of how it got all taken away. Like a weird flip book of all the times i found small pockets of hope during that time. Its paralyzing. I dont think people who joke about trauma actually understand how crippling it is. I cant escape it.. Fuck that man for doing this to me. I will beat this, mark my words. I will enjoy my old hobbies once again. One day, with out the thoughts of that year. Mom left early to drop off the car at Uncle Big Boy's place. She left me 2K to pay for the internet, which i think ill just end up doing tomorrow, i need my eye to recover more so ive just been stuck all day in the house with the windows closed. My eye is functioning now. Little tender, but at least its not swollen shut and leaking tears like crazy anymore. i think i gotta wear glasses and skip the eye makeup until monday. I was gonna get a new washing machine, but after looking at my funds a little while ago, i just stuck with getting stuff to protect my new phone instead and ill buy the washing machine next month. I gotta keep enough for my laser appointment on monday. I also got my HIV appointment sched for Feb 3 so hopefully i can get in on time. I gotta let my teacher's know. This shit sucks ass. Idk why tf the damn hospital is only open on weekdays, let alone, bloodwork is only available in the mornings. like literally on the subject that im sacrificing too lol. but maybe itll be okay its just oral histology, at least the prof is chill. Abe has been a bit busy. I think something is bothering him. He said something about his stepdad and mom catching attitudes so I wonder what is going on there. I told him that he could tell me what was up, but idk if hes actually going to. He at least appreciated my willingness to listen tho. Thats also when Nando was trying to show off his gym progress to me. Not gonna lie he did look fine in the lighting he used, but I think for some reason something changed in me about him. Like now hes just like every other guy who slides in my DMs showing off. So i guess im not really shy about him anymore, which is also like good, because thats like my number one indicator if im really into somebody. Oh and then Daviahn posted after ages. Hes so cool and well connected to so many people. Very charismatic, which is probs why i dont think Ill ever be ending up with him hahaha, hes got way to many options, AND hes bi? like yeah, fat chance babes. Idk if I even want a man right now anymore after these guys have been kinda mid rn. Like I think my brain is mellowing out and letting go of the "OMG men are into me??" phase and its like "oh.. MEN are into me..". Fuck it, im just here for the ride at this point, and at least theyre people to talk to and keep me not bored. Literally fuck all my female friends rn, nobody is chatting me up!! Like wtf happened to being friends?? Angel and misye, v and wyatt, everyones getting all stale out of nowhere. Maybe its just life, but I wish people would show up for me like I show up for them sometimes. All anybody does is text me how pretty I am and how we should make plans to hang out but never go through with it. Even mom yesterday was weird about me being on her arm at the mall. Do i just look like a freak?? is that it?? Like fuck dude. i dont understand this part of girlhood that i am on right now. Giving this one audiobook a try, its called Devolution. Well see how it goes. Its supposed to be about bigfoot.

1/22/2025

FUCK dudeeee. Im getting hit with terrible allergies today. My right eye is killing me, I took out my contacts just now, but at least i survived the day. But fuck this shit is annoyingg. my eye is so red. i hope it goes away by tomorrow or saturday at least. I thought at first it was anxiety, but as the day went on, it was definitely just allergies. Ugh i need to review for my quizes next week, im feeling good enough to do that. Even just a little bit. The screen and lights are starting to kill my eyes right now. Abe texted the cutest little vid of scooby being nonchalant. I wish i could call him, ill probably do that tomorrow when mom leaves. On that note, im fucking wanting to talk to nando again, I need to chill tf out. Fucking head worm. I wish i could all abe, he always cheers me up too with his jokes. I think im also sad that mom is about to leave tomorrow, it has been so nice to have so many things taken off my mind. Its been so nice having breakfast ready, the house clean, and all i had to truly do was focus on school, i passed my quizes and I hope to keep the momentum up. The potluck was a success. There was a good amount of food to feed everyone, but I felt the entire time everyone was kinda just enjoying the party without me and I was just in the background. Angel and Misye feel like theyre distancing themselves from me. Maybe not intentionally, just kinda natually going away ever since Giolyn came into the group. Shes universal and shell be warm with me and feel included which i really appreciate. Lev that fucking leech keeps putting physical distance between me and the rest of the girl group cuz hes there earlier. which pisses me tf off. But its honestly about communication. I just cant talk to them about deep cultural things on their level. Every time I want to say something that is relevant to the conversation, i blank out with my tagalog. I cant seem to get my thoughts across how I want them to so i end up shutting up and staying surface level. I wish their english was better, like Kobe. Somebody who can flip flop between both languages and expressed culture-specific thoughts in each. Idk here i go again wishing for the ideal scenario again. I know the real solution is to just move to manila where thats the majority of people. Fuck, i really wont be able to live out here on my own long term if I cant assimilate am I? I ran errands with mom and it was ugh. OMG this one guy at the water district counter was LEERING at my boobs and I caught him licking his lips, like wtf?? I couldnt tell mom cuz nobody fucking takes me serious when I tell them I get weird interactions like this almost DAILY now. Like YES men find ME a TRANS girl ATTRACTIVE, and the sooner you believe it the sooner you can actually support/help me. My eyes are getting to sore. ill just leave my thoughts at this.

1/21/2025

Okay so we DIDNT totally bomb that quiz in General Anatomy Lab HAHAHA. Fucking hell yeah dude, and everybody else really fried their brains for a B+. Idk why folks are still so adamant on trying to reach a super high score when there are so many ways to cheese a passing score if you just arent dumb. But oh well. That spider this morning came in hella clutch today. I showed my friends my new phone and they thought it was super cute. I love taking pictures with it so much the camera is AMAZING, and the night mode is too!! I tested it out at the night market today. Nothing crazy went down, just shopped around to get out of the house with mom and zuri who BTW is still being a little fucking uppity teenage bitch, talking down to me like I somehow havent been on this earth any longer. Tas kuya nang kuya pa sya, like fucking hell you dumb bitch, i cant hang with you cuz you air out my fucking business all the time. Im just gonna leave her ass from now on unless I absolutely need to take her. Better to be by myself and not get auto-clocked and live stealth than get deadnamed and exposed every 5 fucking seconds with her loud ass. Like get away from me, ur confusing the good people sis. I need monday to come sooner so I can get my laser done again. Im trying to be really consistent with it and I think that bundle I got is gonna keep me on track plus my girl said I can do every 2 weeks now, so hoping she isnt just saying that to get more cash outta me. Which oh well, not my money sooo. Abe was cool, I think things maybe fizzling out. I hope not, trying not to put that energy out there, he says somethings that make me believe hes just busy, but sometimes he doesnt really seem very reactive to my messages, but hes still consistent, i think hes pretty busy and stressed out with his move to JT. I hope when my mom leaves and hes settled we could maybe call more often again. Fucking hell though school was so boring. Biochem literally dragged on forever, thank god Angel, misye and I were able to get Sir Mike to move us to online. It was so funny, he said I looked like an actress on cam in class HAHAHA. I get compliments like that more often now and idk why I still cant seem to take them. Like when I get a compliment, in my head the person is still talking to 2016 me, literally an underground troll. Love him, but jesus he needed a glow up lol. But I wish i could take compliments better. It doesnt help that if I did accept it, all the girls would get all bitter again at me. I feel angel starting to get like that. She tries to avoid talking to me now whenever I start getting more attention in class from the teachers or how well I am able to blend with other friend groups. I dont like that, but shes the closest friend group i got rn so im not jumping ship yet until she makes a really big deal about it. We ended up recruiting Icy into our Malikhaing Komunikasyon group and thats a fucking drag. I was NOT down with her ass joining. But Gio's too nice and Angel doesnt wanna start drama. I hate how nobody has the backbone enough to say fuck that bitch and cut her off, but stupid Filipino mentality. I hate how people just keep toxicity in their lives until it absolutely burns them. Like social brain cells where?? Wheres the gift of discernment here people?? Oh well, thats why people keep trusting corrupt bitches in this country and why we squander every chance at getting outta mid-tier white people vacation territory. Todays just been one of those days where I wish i was just able to hang out with my US friends again. Family just ruins everything, I wish they would just give me their money, shut up, and leave. Its all they do anyways to try to make a connection with me instead of just being nice, loving and understanding. I wish i didnt have to find it else where. Tomorrow is the potluck for Oral Histology lab and my group still hasnt figured out what to bring. I think were just screwed, idk what anybody can pull off at such an hour. but fuck it. idk why were buying all this shit when its only been the first topic of the semester. Maybe its like how soldiers get one last luxury meal before going to war lol. I bet ts is gonna be bad later on. i hope not. keep it a managable difficulty and ill be good. Mom bought me jewelry and it was totally guy jewelry this time. Some Hermes bracelets and chains. Idk who shes trying to fool, that shit was so ugly. I hate that it was, lets get her dainty stuff and then now its all cholo chains. Like i thought I was gonna get cute jewelry and a bad too! but oh no NOW cuz im pretty she wanna masculinize me. which ugh makes no sense. I glow up and the entire world just keeps going upside down. People just keep getting intentionally meaner and meaner to me and faker and faker. I dont know who to believe anymore. Its like the only reason I can trust nando cuz he doesnt sugar coat this shit. I wish i had girlfriends that had his honesty with the relatablity aspect with it. I feel like there might be more I can get off my chest but i think i got most of it out. Im also tired and I got a 7am tomorrow so ill sign out for now.

1/20/2025

Fuck yeah! literally got so lucky with an early dismisal today. Doc Wong had a meeting with the VP about Sportsfest. I hope everything is still good to go. So the gang ended up staying at 7-11 chatting it up. Fucking Icy was being an attention seeking bitch again. Like why do you have to stop the ENTIRE class to tell the dean that you are going to quit dental school AND THEN dont even bring in the CORRECT PAPERWORK. Its like she LOVES torturing herself or something. I will never understand why she does that shit. Watch, come exam day shes gonna play another alarm for some fake doctors appointment in the middle of the exam hall during testing week again. But Mom picked me up after 7-11, and we got McDonalds mwehehe. Then after we went to Robinsons. But before that walking over to Zuri's house, I got cat called by the bitches at the tricycle terminal. One said, holy shit i look like a real girl, then another asked how much to take me home. Both pissed me off cuz wtf do you mean im now getting these comments, i dont even look like a girl especially irl. It just makes me think that its just another way to insult me or something ig. Ill probably think Im real when guys like Nando say I do, like normal guys that arent assholes. Speaking of, when I posted about it on my story he was right there to listen to my problems. He really is like a little hero. Oh and then Abe and I talked a little bit, nothing crazy, same old. Hes fine, just busy with the move he says. I hope everything goes well with that so we can call more often again. So yeah Robinsons. I get a NEW phone FINALLY MWAHAHAH, and its a FOLDABLE AHHHHHH!!! I love it so muchhhh. Its a Phantom V Flip 2 in mint greennn it matched my outfit at the mall so muchhh. Def gonna wear the same combo during SportsFest day 2 after cheer performance. But then right after a guy literally hits on my AT THE MALL in FRONT OF MOM AND ZURI, the dork was do badly dressed in a wife beater and flip flops, my mom gave him the NASTIEST look it was crazy. But it had a hint of care to it. Maybe she would defend me if things got hairy in something like that. Also fuck I totally skipped out on reviewing for my General Anatomy Lab quiz today for the mall. I hope I dont bomb it, its about the skull. I think I got this. Wish me luck.

1/19/2025

So I just got back from Alaminos last night. Tita dita's funeral service was nice. I didnt expect to cry so much. I thought I wasn't so close to her but I think I was way closer to her than I thought, and it sucks cuz I was actually thinking I was starting to create a fun happy relationship with her despite being all the way in Pangasinan. I saw Uncle Big boy cry for the first time ever. I didnt think the man was capable of such a thing. He did lose his wife, but the stoic Escano clan leader was beaten down so hard, I thought he was one of the strongest men in the world. I guess nobody's immune to something like that. Makes me think about when mom would die. Woudld I cry like that? Would it be worse? Would Joe cry? Then Tito Dumi wanted to drive so slow on the way back home, literally 40kmph under the speed limit. That irritated tf out of me cuz a 3 hour trip became a 7 hour trip for absolutely no reason. At the rest stop Zuri wanted to be a bitch and tell me to use the mens restrom where I literally was given a hard time by the ACTUAL men in there. I hate how boneheaded my family is. And then they want to ask why it took me so long in the bathroom. Sorry i was busy trying to keep my sanity while finding a place to pee. Nando sent me this really cool song that cheered me up, and he really helped me take my mind out of that moment. Plus he listened to me about Andrei, which ugh i fucking knew he had a gf I told Fumie but she insisted otherwise. But of course I lose either way. Today was first day of cheer practice. I hated it a little cuz I had to go hella deep for my voice to do what they wanted me to do for the chants. My feet hurt too from dance earlier that day too. Guess its good that I didnt do gym today lol. But no i gotta be good about that. I hope I dont lose all the weight that I managed to put on though. Ooh I saw the cutest basketball player at the boys tryouts while we were practicing for cheer. His number was 11 and I remember him from last year, perfect amount of chubby to muscle ratio HAHAH. But theres no way hed ever talk to me, Nando said I should try talking to him, but idk, maybe?? I dont look like a girl at all irl with all the daylight and whatnot. Id get shotdown, emotionally and potentially physically too HAHAHA. But a girl can dream from afar I guess. Abe is the only athlete serious about me (i hope), I wish he was closer. Its so stupid that Filipinos are able to cat call me when I walk alone, but god forbid i want a nice man to come up to me. Stupid Aliyah wanna ask me why I havent dated locally and its cuz Filipinos are so insecure about height and sexuality, Id never be able to date a Filipino guy in a million years no matter how hard I try. So much for finding a partner that would understand me at that level. Omg maybe thats why im so attracted to Latino men, the ones that want to date me are melanated to the gods without the insecurities HAHAH. Just more baby mama issues, but that could also be because my dating pool is getting way older. Fuck that all sounds stupid. Mom is back until this week. Itll be nice just to have her for a few days. Abe hit me up again today too, he showed me the funniest sandwich he got at subway, it literally looked like something shaggy would order from scooby doo HAHAHA. I want to give him a call in the morning, but idk. He was so excited today about his thrift haul it was the cutest thing ever. He got these adidas, from ross and I was so jealous cuz he got hella pants for just 30 bucks. He said we could make it a road trip to go down there when I get back, and he said we could go to the libraries too!! I cant wait for it Please God, just let Abe be the one. I stg, hes the nicest man ever, he has his life together and has a working car and college degree. But idk I feel like after telling him about my HIV hes put me on the back burner... I cant blame him.. I hate that no matter how much I try to escape Al, I never will be able to because of that.. Ik things wont work out with Abe ever in a million years, I can already feel it, but maybe I can just pretend for a little longer until he gains the courage to tell me directly that things wont work out Ugh why do i do this. I dont even know if I want a man anymore cuz of all the shit this stuff does to my head. But why can this primal urge just go away. Why can't my parents just love me enough and comfort me during all this so I can final feel like I dont have to chase it from everywhere else..

1/16/2025

Not bad today, not crazy good either. I know abe is with family right now, but damn, he really goes MIA when hes this busy. And IK weve been like talking for less than a month so I shouldnt even be going crazy cuz we arent even like that, i think im being selfish from having his attention all the time so far. Ugh i hate how childish my mind is making me when i know damn well that I need to keep my head on straight. I was so distracted in General Anatomy too because of it. Like wtf is wrong with me where I go bat-shit crazy obsessive over a guy i really like?? I cant be this fucking desperate ugh. I cant lie tho, my makeup ate DOWN today, so that was probably saving me from completely spiralling today. I changed up my doseages of spiro too so I think thats been helping too. I think ill keep the 100mg for a minute or two and go back to 200mg if my results start getting wonky. Went to this cafe today though with Michell, Angel and Giolyn. Idk how i feel about Gio still but ig shes been fine. She a snitch tho in her church for ratting Icy out to her leaders, ig Icy gotta get punished for cutting her hair and wearing a two piece lmao. Deserved lol. Both are religious weirdos. I wish Angel Mae was able to join us, goddamn girl why couldnt you just have studied just a little harder and you couldve been ballin with us! I was late to class today and I had to sit in the back, and I noticed Cielo looking my direction one too many times often and I was like, is something wrong with my face?? Idk its whatever, just never knew him to be like that. And then Alex, this tiktoker that i used to talk to on the side blocks me today after literally liking my story yesterday, and I feel like hes actually really toxic and his bitch or whatever blocked me?? Idk the who setup is suspicious, but whatever the reason, that happened. Nando was pretty supportive today through all of it. I feel like I can actually talk to him about stuff like guy troubles and not feel weird after getting over my feelings. Im not sure why he reached out when I was just whining on my Insta Notes, but it made my day either way. I got so lucky again too cuz today not only did i manage to get lab class cancelled, my friends convinced prof to move the quiz too! So we went out for coffee to celebrate. But fuck, i hate my school uniform so much brooooo, i look like such a fucking dyke, its not flattering at all and its so fucking ass. I want to literally kill myself all the time i see my feet in the stupid ass loafers. I am so ready to be in scrubs cuz i am getting that shit tailored so people can ACTUALLY see my curves. Ik people are saying, oh well why dont you get a girls uniform, and its like that shit is ass too!!! And fucking hell, i hate being masculinized by these short bitches that wanna be like, "omg im soooo smalllll next to you". Like UGH, i wanna punch a bitch so bad. Like your just mad that I dont look like a fucking toddler in a dress. I gotta get Kobe take me to the gym, but ugh I hate my stupid sched. And going to the gym is gonna be so weird i feel like without him. Like I look like such a fucking man bro i hate it. Scratch that, I like my build but I dont wear a uniform or clothes that compliment it to make me feel and show everybody that I am feminine. Its complex, but like fuck dude, cant i just look like a strong woman without society trying to force define what I am?? Tomorrow is Tita Ditas' cremation service. Still cant believe shes actually gone. I think I am actually going to cry when I go to Uncle's house and shes not there asking me about school or telling me to socialize with James and trying to simultaneously stuff my face with as much food as I can. I feel so stupid cuz it happened all a while back now and its only now my brain is registering the gravity of the situation. Like a prominent family figure actually just died and my brain is only now going, "oh shit shes actually gone". Like wtf am I such a dumbass, i wish I was smart or not sped. I wish my therapist would hurry up and diagnose me with whatever it is thats wrong with my brain so i can fix it. So anyways heading up there early in the morning. Hope my mood can improve or something. Mom is going to be there and stay for another week. I hope I can get that new cellphone, this one i've been using is slowing down so much after all these recent updates its a pain in my fucking neck.

1/15/2025

OK lowkey am super overdue for a therapy sesh and so I think all i can do in the moment until then is update this damn thing lol. I was sooo hopeful that i was going to be able to keep up with this thing and write like a hella cute blog (still is btw) but i didnt expect this last semester to be ACTUAL ass. It was so shitty i could not possibly record it all which is how bad it was, i ended up just decompressing whenever I can to friends and Ms. Zara about the stuff that went down. So some major updates: - Made it to 5 months on HRT!!! I am looking SO fucking hot bro. which i mean we been knew was gonna happen lmao - Ended up crushing on fucking nando of all people and wyatt?? i am still trying to introspect on how that even happened, but nothing came out of it. Im still just friends with both lol so thats still good - On that note, I ACTUALLY went back to the US for winter vacation. Talk about it later here, it was mixed but hell yeah either way. -Got my first bra and panty set which was hella great too, fits and everything and we are at a happy 30B!! From what I hear thats a really great sign that i will naturally have bigger bobs, but knocking on wood still. -Mom got me girl clothes for xmas that are SOO cute, and dad literally was an asshole to me the entire time -Ate Den asked me about my transition and that was awkward but it was something, she visited during xmas too in 29 btw Back to Top