The Smokey Eye

July-August 2025

Status: I hate hormones SO MUCH. Like just take all this stupid brain juice out of my body PLEASE

8/16/2025

Hair removal day. Omg plucking is the worst thing ever, but it is the best thing ever in the end. Beauty is pain as they say but damn, i wish i did not have to pluck. Im looking into laser around town and they look really promising, I am going to text around and see what some of these derma places charge. I just need this sorted out, cuz the smoothness is an addiction lmao. I saw the cutest bag ever for my motor scooter, its this green leather color and its just the cutest thing ever. I am so adding it to my cart, thinking about getting it next month, but idk yet, im thinking later this week. Also my classmates and I are thinking about the school system right now. It feels like theyre hardcore trying to make us fail rather than help us learn. We have quizes that are not only back-to-back and everyday, but we get no ecouragement or teacher's with attiudes that want to help us learn. Its always, "oh im not going to demo this". Like?? Hello 21st century learning techniques please, I do, We do, You do. Everybody is on a stupid power trip. I said it once and I'll say it again, just cause you have a degree/doctorate whatever, DOES NOT MAKE YOU QUALIFIED TO BE A GOOD TEACHER!! Ugh I hate it here so much for that. Give a person a little power here and they will power trip until there is nothing left. On a odder note, I noticed my skin was NOT as oily. Like damn the spirolactone stuff is working its magic. Like I have no pimples or any signs of distress, and my facial wash actually has started to lighten my face. I am worried more about my transition now way more than being the best of the best in class. Its so dumb. I am working on my playlists again cuz I got my new shipment of cd cases. UGH i am so excited to make more mixtapes. I just love making album covers and being a little self DJ. Omg speaking of looks, i STILL hate my hair, i wanna go to vista to get it redone at the korean place cuz wtfff. I hate all the layering making my hair look so thinnn. Its barely anything anymore when I tie it back for PE, its so stupid. Why does NOBODY ever do my hair right, and also why can nobody do a consultation here before cutting?? It pisses me off, like youre going to cut my hair without even learning about it first?? I mean what did i expect going to the PH equivalent of Great Clips, but ugh still. But speaking of hair, I ALSO feel like at the scalp its thicker! and When its wet its noticably less sparce?? Have I always had a hormone imbalance before or is my body just more recptive to this stuff. whatever it is I am liking the effects so far.

8/15/2025

Why is school literally a quiz everydayyy i hate it so much bro. Like idc if I am passing them, i am tired of em. Also how does Angel literally pass them all with nearly perfect scores all the timeeee?? I wish i had her brain or focus. Whatever her secret it is. Im just accepting I may not be the best, but I am the best Me out there and that is enough. No more killing myself over trying to accomplish the possible for 5 secs of glory on the award stage. Started hrt and im so affirmed, and my mental health is really great rn. I am taking it slow, and I have to figure out more health stuff but I am ready for this.

8/10/2025

Still in dysmorphia mode a bit, i think its just cuz i need to remind myself that my facial hair IS that bad and i DO need to put on color corrector. Ugh. i hate that what works one day just completely doesnt the next time around. Like that one hair drier hack worked so good on my face the other day and now it doesnt seem to make a difference. I think i need to rewatch the video. I am glad the Pookster is talking to me a lot more. I missed that and I hope I can stay on top of my classes enough to keep doing that. I also have been on an 80s movie binge. I watched the neverending story last night, im thinking about making tea rn and watching the second one. Idk yet, either that or karate kid. Theres a lot of cozy vibes in these old movies that I wish i appreciated before. I am contemplating making my own dvds so that I can grow the collection without needing to keep everything on my computer. I want to do that for my tagalog dubbed anime, so maybe Ill learn to do that on winter break. I am nervous about school, maybe a little scared even. So much memorization and during weird schedules too, like one class ends but the teacher wants to give a quiz the next time we meet but the class is like the day after! It feels unfair sometimes, but I'm managing so far. Good thing that I managed to keep up with the literature I had bought over the summer. That boost is SO helping rn when it comes to general anatomy. I also realized as I am typing this that I did not in fact save my entry from the 8th and that kind of bums me out. But in monk fashion I am going to dettach from that suffering. I got the rest of my dental supplies ordered now, I hope they all arrive in one piece and Im thinking that Ill start bringing stuff to carve everyday, that way I can always be trying to perfect the craft. I am setting the goal right now to carve each tooth at LEAST 100 times. Theres no way i cant become a dental carving master if I manage to do that! I am also excited to get this printer ink I ordered, that way I can get back to making mixtapes. I started bringing my cd player to school and its been the best thing ever. I love it so much still, but i dropped it on its face and ugh I was so sad adn upset cuz the play button got all tilted. It still in there but its like pushed in at a weird angle.

8/6/2025

Okay, most dreadful day so far. Not bad objectively at all and that is the crazy part. I got to sleep in, i didnt have any traffic issues going to and from school, and i had a relaxing evening with the rain. But it was the anxiety that got to me today. I woke up with my old symptoms that I hadnt felt in what seems like months. Even when the worst of finals came i managed to keep the nausea at bay, but this morning was dry heaving, and shakiness again. I think the beginning of the semester just feels like jumping in an ice bath. It's like really rough in the beginning and if i stick it out, i will barely be cohesive throughout the entire experience until its time to get out again. But anyways, it was just looming dread. I know my classmates and friends and teachers werent trying to make me feel out of place, but today was just one of those days that people couldn't stop staring. Even this one girl that came in for P.E., i caught her like 3 times. Even my P.E. teacher, and also when I was out with friends some randos would do the same. I have kind of pickup on when somebody here is staring maliciously, or if its just in awe. If its malicious or trying to grab my attention, its always the side turn and the random laughs to their group of friends. But its just audible enough for me to hear. Like, they comment on my nose, or how freakishly tall I am compared to everyone else. But its like an injection, sharp and goes away quick, the issue is that the hurt of being seen as a freakshow stays just the muscle pain after the shot. On the other hand, if they think I'm pretty, they dont speak. They stare, and I catch them. Then they look again, this time a little longer, sometimes a lot or a little, and I catch them again. If they are with a group of friends, and they dont talk to them about me, and stil try to steal glances after, I know I have their attention. The issue is, thats all the information I get. Sure they can talk about me after, and I wont know if it's in a positive or negative light. But I am no longer a freakshow, I'm a spectacle. This live performance for them it feels like. Either way, I am objectified. My value is reduced to my body and what people can get from my body, whether it's eye candy or entertainment. This is why I hate being pretty. My friend pointed out height earlier and it reminded me that back in the US, im a very average looking girl. The big nose, the height, wide eyes, and rock and roll hair. Its just the style and i just fit. But here, I have to conform, sometimes its cool, and i can be myself and be appreciated for myself, othertimes like today, it feels like im the nail sticking out and nobody understand or even WANTS to understand where I am coming from. I also hate the girls here, no support whatsoever. Its all performative for the male gaze. Forcing the straight hair, the constant looking for approval from boys, and shunning the girls who dont want to play that game. And then everyone thinking its all okay! Thats the frustrating part. I miss the US for the freedom of expression women have. I miss the blue-haired lesbians at the bars, and I miss the pixie cuts, like ACTUAL pixie cuts that girls wear. Something to just make my surroundings not feel like an episode of the twighlight zone where everyone is somehow printed copies of each other. Its like if the twighlight zone met mean girls. It sucks on days like this.

8/4/2025

Dropped 16k on these goofy dental instrumets. These things better be good quality. I bought all the things to maintian them too, i am NOT letting these go bad. Oral anatomy lab is definitely going to be a bitch-and-a-half to pass, the prof was just doing her job and explaining the class so i dont blame anyting on her, the subject is just really difficult. I just hope i pass at this point.

8/2/2025

Bro, i am SO zen right now. I had therapy today and that went so well. I am making such good progress and I was so happy just reporting and processing these tough emotions and things that I thought would bog me down my entire life. I kept todays sesh short but it was great. I started watching ATLA in tagalog dub, its been really helping my vocabulary and syntax, two things that have been the hardest thing for me lately since coming back home. It sucks but I am making progress and I feel it. I also got a lot done on my to-do list. I WAS going to try going out today, but man did i mess up on my make-up. Placement and technique was A+, but the SHADE omg, i overused my tinted setting powder and ugh, i came out WAY to tan. My neck was so much lighter than my face, it aged me soooo bad. On camera and facetime with my parents it was fine, but damn, irl in the mirror it was bad. Glad to wash it off in a second. I also think its cuz i layered wayy to much skincare, i gotta remember to use less, i go way to ham somedays with it and it does way more harm than good Tita tried out this new lumpia empanada thing with me?? It was lumpia in empanada form, and that was super good, I gotta get more. I also started the digimon fusion loader, hoping to have some fun with it. Class was cool. But damn, no adjustments to the sched, its just 7 AM andif you make it you make it. I made it thankfully, but lame sched. I hate waking up so early. I hope we dont have to make any corny video assignments this semester, i am SO over those. Oh also Arabella totally found my lost 2x2 photos, and i was so glad to hear that. But the dumb thing was I forgot to stop by the student council office to grab it. I wrote it on my list to not forget.

8/1/2025

Okay driving a motorcycle was definitely as much of a shit show as I initially thought it would be. School was so good to. I think things with my section are super cool right now, or at least within normal limits. At least I have all my friends together finally. I hope things go good this sem, im focused now and all in. The rest of this week is easy mode, after this, its go-go-go. I am not ready for that. I miss the pookster a lot right now and its kind of annoying. I forgot to charge my 3ds before school and that was annoying. School was good, but the two lab classes canceled and we were stuck waiting forever for professors that never showed up. Kind of a major waste of a good weather day, but whatever. I caved in and made a tiktok with my friends. I lowkey regret it cuz my part didnt turn out as cute as i thought it would, i am super NOT photogenic, or at the very least i dont have the features for cutesty stuff like that... I am on the hunt for a new horror book, i finished another pretty good romance and its got me annoyed. I think I might continue the series, would be interesting to see how this goes. I hate waking up early, i spent all that effort waking up at 5 AM and the prof ended up being 30 mins late and then officially moves the class to 7:30. Ill take it, but damn, she couldn't announce that just a little bit faster lol. Shes SUPER smart though and I hope she's good at her job. I respect her so much, she was top 3 when she took the dental licensure exam! She teaches AND practices, my goal totally right now! Maybe I finally have a decent role model. My friends also showed me a trans dentist that graduated from CEU too!! Omg Maybe I can be successful and not give up what makes me, "me" afterall. It made me feel so hopeful, and honestly made me feel so relieved from tension I knew was looming over me. Thankfully, no face-to-face class tomorrow. I hope NSTP isn't going to be annoying busy work. Maybe I'll check out the Mal-Con tomorrow, but who knows, I promised Zuri I would go on Sunday so I'll probably wait for that.

7/30/2025

To start things off this evening, why are boys so stupid ugh. Somedays like tonight where every jerk in my life wants to hit me up out of nowhere with the shittiest lines, i just wish I was back in the days before my glow up. Like high school when no boys would even bother to look in my direction. Dont get me wrong i but in so many blood sweat and tears to look hot, and i also do feel overjoyed about the benefits that come with it, but i hate the attention sometimes. I never wanted to be on everyone's radar, i just wanted to blend in and feel normal. But its days like this that remind me that i am never going to be "normal" and I just have to once again tell myself to suck it up and deal with it. Thats another thing that pisses me off. Whenever I try to talk to people about this stuff, they either a) dont understand AT all or b) gaslight me into thinking its all in my head or c) tell me that I have no right to feel this way cuz I get so many benefits from it that i basically have no right to complain. All of which are extremely demeaning and devalueing. Ugh, school starts back up in two days (well more like one). I got to practice on the bike today so a win for me! I took this advice from a girl on tiktok who basically told me to never look down and it helped so much. Definitely need more practice, but i feel wayyy better about things now. Finished all the released episode of TSITP, and it was so good. Just as frustrating and charming. Apparently the episodes are being released every week on Wednesday. Sucks that I have to wait until September 17th for EVERY episode of the season to be out, that literally past our first exam week lol but its whatever. Bag is packed and ready to go, I hope that everything goes smoothly. I am going to AVOID all drama, i gotta do like how Dian did it and just dont speak until spoken to lol. Yeah right, I somehow always become the center of attention even when I dont want it. I hate that. Cuz then everybody who actually DOES gets mad at me. Jerks, maybe if you guys werent such losers you'd have these problems instead of me.

7/29/2025

At this part in my transition, it feels more like I'm a girl that was raised by her dad and she just grew up not knowing how to be a girl, but like she's inheritly a girl, if that makes sense. We'll see how long this takes to transform into a dymorphia episode.

Tonights episodes of TSITP was so good, emotions were all over the place and I was HERE for the ride. I was so frustrated at some of the conflicts, like can people in this show be more up-front about their feelings?? And its crazy too cuz I feel like the characters are actually being as up-front as they can with the situations their give?? Reminds me of the times I tried to do the same and failed. I think its annoying that life is sometimes like the movies.

I was not able to get to practice on the bike and i am kind of upset that I was a lazy bum about that. I gotta go to the PhilHealth office tomorrow to renew my stuff so I hope that gets me motivated to get active. At this point, I might just end up having to take the jeep to school. I popped in an the old Home Teachers cd into my player. Forgot how much the songs do go hard on that album. I remember wehn my family would religiously rock out to it. It brought those memories back. I may not be mormon anymore but I still thank that old part of my life for those memories. I like music for being able to do that.

7/28/2025

You know, i never thought that I would ever see myself enjoying a teen-romcom coming of age story the way I have with this show "the summer that I turned pretty". Its it corny af, yes. Is it everything I hate about the weird marketed-for-teens-but-is-clearly-adult genre of shows, also yes. But it feels stupidly raw and authentic, especially with what I am going through in my life and my family. So i'll give myself grace on this one and keep enjoying it. I got some more practice on the motor-scooter that my parent bought me this summer. I hope I can get confident enough to get to school. I think it's so dumb that I have to take the highway cuz these snooty subdivisions wont let you use their roads, like what's up with that?? But I'll get there. If I leave early enough I wont have to worry about a bunch of crazy people on the road and that's going to be my strategy. I just dont want the thing collecting dust cuz im too chicken to even ride it. I hope it'll help with my social anxiety. I hate everyone staring at me when I ride. I focus on driving so it's not like it affects that, but its like damn, you aint never seen anybody ride a scooter before?? Also i know you'll say "no its cuz ur white and on a scooter", but even then fuck man, whats that even matter, just act normal for once. I hate being put on a pedistal for simply existing when i never wanted that ever. I hope people can just leave me alone if I live here long enough.

7/26/2025

The last day I have my immediate family on this side of the planet and I spent it coding. Oof. Im only a little sad about it though. Its not like we could've done much besides hangout around town and at the house. I think that it was just nice to feel like I had the illusion of my mother living with me here, just chill nothing eventful, normal daily life, for one last time. I think I'll cling to this calm when I head back into school.

7/25/2025

This is my first post on here. Hoping that I can remain consistent on here when it comes to updating this thing. As for what I have accomplished so far; I got a haircut, its not the cutest, but I think it's going to grow on me. I think the hairdresser did what she thought was best on my features (at least that is what I HOPE was happening there, but I like how it turned out nonetheless). ALSO the latest issue of the Animal Scene is finally here! So I am super excited that i can finally switch back to that as my daily carry. I like national geographic, but damn, i hate that the Philippines does NOT get any of the latest issues! I need somebody to represent our country in their HQ. Anyways, Animal scene is WAY cuter of a mag, cuz I feel like the plot gets lost in a lot of NatGeo publications. Like yes I understand they are all about ALL types of sciences, BUT, that is kind of annoying when i just want a fun read about animals and my fun quizzes.

In other news, I have school starting in a week. I am glad i managed to finish this site in like 4 days. I can't believe HTML was so easy. I am also glad that I had to take that computer class first semester. My mother flies out this weekend back to the US. I am a little bummed about it. I love my independence ever since I moved out of my house for the first time, but the Philippines is annoyingly reminding me that family is actually kinda nice to have around. Like yeah theyre annoying af most of the time. But damn after this summer, i think Id rather have a loud annoying family with clashing personalities, than an empty house full of ghosts.